Kinetic Loop

We haven’t seen Important Bald Men in weeks. I have two theories: he is either in a Tunguska gulag as a test subject, restrained under chicken wire as black oil drips on his face, or he’s at Important Bald Man Camp. I hope it’s the latter.

Important Bald Man Camp is where Important Bald Men from all over the country gather for a life-transforming six weeks at a secret riparian location in the foothills of the West Virginia Mountains. Activities include anger management role-playing, even more important bald men-lore, crafts (viz. scrimshaw but also lanyards), attention to detail competition, camp-outs, friendship fire, storytelling and songs, and skit night. Special guest speakers and campfire leaders are to be announced, but I wouldn’t be shocked to see Larry David there.

Upon arrival, each IBM is assigned to a category for what they most need to work on, based on their evaluation. These initial categories include worrying too much about employee incompetence, spending too much time crafting clear directions for employees, asking others to rely on common sense, caring about things, and fixing the mistakes of others.

Then, on the last night of camp, each IBM is given a badge or patch based on how much they’ve progressed in their particular category. These categories include ignorance of the incompetence of employees, writing the bare minimum directions because they’ll screw it up anyway, assuming that all employees were born yesterday, caring less, and making people fix their own mistakes.

I hope that Important Bald Man enjoys the camaraderie, commiseration and colligation of Important Bald Man Camp, but I worry that the atmosphere of shared weltschmerz will be too compelling, and that he will stay as a counselor and not return to his office.